Today is indescribable. The seasons changed overnight; for the first time in months, I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of rain pouring on the roof. There’s a weird electricity on the air, as if something big is coming, some change is waiting just around the bend, some spark of dawning is just waiting to be lit.
Big changes are happening…they’ve been happening slowly, but this past week, they’ve seem to all come at once. I’ve been cleaning house, both metaphorically and literally; taking some time to take stock over where I am in this, my 30th year, and where I would like to be.
Why is it that we can allow some people to just keep tugging on our heartstrings, though we know that they’re never going to just give up and be the kind of friend we need them to be? Why do I find the need to hang on to relationships with people who are so outwardly condescending and patronizing that it physically pains me? If, when I finish a conversation with someone, I feel like I have my back up and am on the defensive, feeling like less of a person for having talked to them, is this really a person that I need to have in my life?
I have two such relationships that I’m contemplating right now, one in real life and one with someone I’ve never met, but have talked to online for a very long time. It’s funny how similar the two of them are, now that I’m thinking about it. If asked, I like to say that they’re two very close friends of mine, but if that’s the case, why do I feel like I’m walking on eggshells? Why, when I get off a conversation with either one of them, I’m left feeling disappointed and drained, aching for some kind of respect or acknowledgement that yes, I matter, I’m human, I have feelings, and I’m more than just the gum on the bottom of their shoe?
I’m all for having a healthy dose of self-confidence. Hell, I’ll be one of the first ones to say ‘this is my opinion, thanks for yours, but I’m doing it my way.” But when your sense of self depends solely on establishing your own superiority to everyone you come into contact with, that’s just painful. I want to scream at both of them, “I don’t give a damn what you’ve done in your life, what you’ve written, or rps you’ve played, how many people look up to you, how many adventures you’ve been on or certifications you have, that does NOT make you a better person than me or anyone else. You are who you ARE, not what you’ve DONE. Stop treating people like they don’t matter, like they’re inferior beings who should kneel and thank every deity for being graced with your presence!”
But I won’t.
Because that would just further drain my energy and replenish theirs, because they will KNOW that they have been successful.
So, instead, here’s what I’m doing. I’m cleaning house.
No more energy-zapping people in my life. Time to cut the heartstrings, pick myself up, and move on. Life is far too short to keep the company of people who live to make me feel bad about myself. It’s not worth it. And, what does it say about me that I would allow someone to make me feel like this? That I would keep waiting around and coming back for more?
I’m through with waiting. I’m moving on. I’m already gone.