Thursday, October 14, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 01

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

I tap my pencil against the notepad on my desk, thinking it through. Why on earth do we have to kick this whole thing off on a negative. What do I hate about myself? The thought haunts me as I get up from my chair and go about my morning, getting ready for work. Ideas and issues swirl in my head. I’m neurotic, flawed, and dramafilled, there is no doubt. But..well, HATE has always been a strong word. I don’t know that, even through all of my issues, there’s any single one that I really HATE myself for. Things I wish I could change? Oh, yes. Believe me.

If you’ve been around me for any length of time, you’ll know that I am easily irritated. And, by irritated, I mean my temper is quick to flare and slow to cool. I have a VERY limited BS tolerance, and I have really high standards for everything – my highest standards are for myself. Something that seems very small to someone else will completely set me off on a tangent. Being late is a biggie; I will curse a blue storm at every stupid driver and red light along my way if I’m running behind. (Which, I’ll be honest, is most of the time).

My mouth gets me into trouble a lot because, well, I’ve never really been good at this whole “subtlety” thing. (And yet, I work in HR at work…how did I land this job again?) I call things like I see them, and I’m not really one for the silent treatment. If I’m pissed off at you, you’re going to know it, and you’re going to know exactly WHY I’m pissed off, because I’ll tell you flat out. I’ve never really understood people who get mad and just keep it in. How unfair is it to be upset at someone, letting them feel the consequences of it, and not actually telling them WHY. I’d rather put it out there and deal with the repercussions, because at least then you’re dealing with something true and honest.

Somedays, I really wish I could just lighten up and be more relaxed. My roommate is the complete opposite of me. She is unaffected by anything and everything, refusing to react or show she cares about things I think she should be up in arms about. We bicker like an old married couple, much to the amusement of everyone around us. Something like paying a bill late will completely set me off, and she just shrugs it off. She tore the bathroom door off of its hinges (entirely on accident) and honestly couldn’t understand why I was so upset or so insistent that she grab the damn tool kit and fix it right away. It just wasn’t that big of a deal to her.

I WISH I had that. I wish I could let things go. I wish I didn’t fly off the handle like I do. It’d make my life so much easier. I’d probably play the workplace-politics scene much better, because let’s face it, where I work is like high school. We have the popular kids, the teacher’s pets, the stoners, the brains, and lord almighty, do we have the gossip mill. I’m pretty content to be the quiet one in the corner who doesn’t play into The Game. Not because I’m above it, but because frankly, I just don’t have the patience.

Meditation? Been there. Tried that. Lavender and chamomile tea to relax? Drank that. St. John’s Wort combo-pill for mood improvement? Spent a day’s worth of pay on that and was sorely disappointed. I’m just feisty, that’s the way it is. And though I hate the consequences that brings, and wish I could borrow a little bit of the blasé attitude that my roomie has down to perfection, ultimately…here’s the real Truth of the day…I kind of like it this way.

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