Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do
I know that every child has a fear of losing their parents, even though we know deep down in our hearts that the odds are that we will be burying them at some point in our lives. Finding out at an early age that my mother had a debilitating disease was heartbreaking for me; learning as I grew that most victims of MS die as a result of complications from the disease was devastating for me. Every cold makes my heart stop, wondering if this will turn into pneumonia (we’ve already been there once this year). Little things like a cough can turn into choking or breathing challenges very quickly, and I can’t count the number of days she’s spent in the hospital this year. I always worry that each time she’s admitted will be the last time. And I always worry that when I walk in her room and she’s sleeping, laying there so still, that I’m going to see her take her last breath.
One of the more recent times that she’s been admitted, it didn’t look good. I mean, it REALLY didn’t look good, as in my dad stopped by because he’d been asked by the doctors whether or not he wanted to sign a DNR – Do Not Resuscitate – order. For those not familiar, that would mean that no extraordinary measures would be taken in the event that her vitals were to crash while in the hospital; no respirator, ventilator, shock paddles, nothing. It doesn’t STOP treatment by any means, it’s not giving up on her. It’s simply letting her go when her body decides it’s had enough. Having that discussion and considering all of the options and potential outcomes…things I’d hoped I’d never have to deal with. Actually having to follow through on that decision…that’s something that I hope that I never have to do.