This is my December
These are my snow covered trees
This is me pretending this is all I need.
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December, this is me alone
And I wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed...
December, December. Typically a month for introspection and evaluation, this month has hit me like a hurricane. I can honestly say that I don't really remember much of the month, I've just been pulled apart at the seams by one thing or another. I had some family drama that involved my aunt calling me out of my name on Facebook, which in turn caused additional turmoil as my family jumped up to take sides. Through it all, the comforting words offered by my caring friends and family have been, "we love you just the way you are. If you're happy, the only person you have to answer to is yourself. The rest don't matter."
Which of course, is very sage and wise advice.
Except, of course, if you have a deep, dark secret that maybe, just maybe, there was an element of truth in someone else's cruel words.
So, I ask myself, am I happy? Can I answer to myself and proudly say that this is who I am, and defend every one of my life choices? And if the answer is no, then why the hell haven't I stood up to do anything about it?
The answer is, no, I'm not. This blog has been about my journey to find myself on healthy, fulfilled ground. Don't get me wrong, I've made plenty of changes that I'm truly proud of. But I also have noticed that I tend to make an awful lot of excuses for myself. And believe me, I should have been a lawyer, because I can justify anything.
I expect big changes in my life, but I tend to just skirt around the edge of the pool. I want a big payout from minimal effort (and yes, before you ask, I am American), and then get discouraged when I don't see results.
I've spent a month blogging privately (sorry, guys, you would have been really confused and lost by what you read), and doing some solid introspection on how I'm living my life. The overwhelming theme is this:
I have amazing values and ideals. I fail at acting on those beliefs.
I want to believe that I'm better than that. I want to BE better than that. And the only one who has any control over that is me.
For the better part of the past year, I have been toying with going vegetarian and vegan. I've been purchasing substitutes for a lot of the things I eat on a daily basis, and have been trying to make better eating choices. Beginning in January (because I have too many family meals and events in December that would be way to tempting for my newfound resolve), I will be going vegan.
I'm making this choice for a variety of reasons. My health is a primary concern. I've been researching what meat and dairy can do to the human body, and what repeated amounts of ingested hormones can do. I went vegan for a week, which is next to no time, but even in that amount, I felt the changes. I felt healthier, lighter, I slept better, I had more energy, and I was in a better mood. I stopped after a week because, well, it's more expensive to eat vegan, frankly. And you have to prep all your food in advance, which means I have to plan. I'll just be honest, I'm too lazy. It's time for me to whip my own ass into shape, literally.
I'm also doing this for the animal kingdom. I know the truth behind what happens on most farms, the atrocities that are committed. Even on the "humane" farms. You know them, too, so I'll spare you hearing them again. If you're interested, I can point you in the direction of several books and investigative reports. I know I'm just one woman, and though I like to think of myself as a powerhouse, I'm not a one-girl-revolution. My choices are not going to effect the massive production of the meat-producing machine. But, it will allow my own conscience to rest a little easier, knowing that I'm doing the best that I can to force some change. I'm just one girl, but I'm not the only one. Again, I have strong beliefs, I just fail at acting on them. This is my action.
I've set aside a collection of books I've been reading, and I've even been stocking up on vegan cookbooks...holy heck there are A LOT of them out there! Things I didn't even know could be delicious AND vegan have whole COOKBOOKS dedicated to them! Vegan Cupcakes Take Over The World, Vegan Cookies Invade your Cookie Jar, Vegan Soul Kitchen (Soul Food) , just to name a few. Vegan recipes have become my new obsession, and I'm super excited to put them to good use.
I've been slowly transitioning to vegan for a few weeks. Making the mental switch, consciously noting every non-vegan food that I eat, finding an acceptable substitute or alternative...and saying goodbye to some favorites that are just not going to be around for me any longer. In a little more than a week, I'm going to be making the plunge for good...and I'll be blogging about it the entire way.