Sunday, August 19, 2012

Update, week one.

So here we go, it's officially been more than a week since this happened to me.

I actually don't have much new to share.

I've enabled my blog to accept voice-to-text from my phone, so please be forgiving of grammar and spelling crimes committed.

I still can't see clearly. That hasn't improved one bit. I still have double vision. All of the 'switching from one eye to another' has been bringing up horrific headaches. It's just easier to keep my eyes closed all the time.

Sensation is still missing on my left. It's the weirdest damn thing, and I wish I could explain it better. I can feel that something is htappening, but couldn't identify the sensation. This morning I woke up completely uncomfortable, but couldn't figure out why. Turns out, the half of my body that can't feel was outside of my covers and freezing cold, while my brain thought I was warm and cozy because the rest of me was under covers.

In the car, I can feel the air of the A/C moving on my body, but couldn't tell you if it was hot or cold. I can hold a bowl of icecream in my left hand and feel the moisture dripping down my hand, but can't tell if a dollop of ice cream has fallen out on my hand.

I only fell over twice today when walking with my walker. L laughed, but for me, that's an improvement. I still get insanely dizzy, the room spins and I just go.

I've been getting weird flashes of 'lightning' through my left side. My optimistic side is hoping that the nerves are reconnecting, but I have no clue.

We still have no answers as to what's causing this. We have no answers if it's going to go away, or when.

Today was a bad day. I'm scared that this is going to be the rest of my life. I'm scared I'm not going to get to see again, or do the things I love without help. I keep thinking of all the things I wanted to do and I may have wasted my chance.

I was offered an opportunity I've wanted for YEARS. I had to turn it down because I can't accept it in this condition. I sobbed when I hung up the phone. It's just too cruel.

L has been amazing with helping me. She does everything I can't, even grocery shopping today. She's fabulous, and patient, which I need right now. But I know she's scared, too. I feel so helpless. Even the things I manage to do take so much energy and effort. I filled a bottle in the soda stream today, and discovered I'm not strong enough to tighten the seal, so the water got everywhere. Afterward, I was exhausted, just from getting up and doing it.

I'm so frustrated.

I want this to be over. I think I could handle the rest of my symptoms much better if only I could see.

The idea that this could be it, this could be what life is like for the rest of my life is overwhelming.

Sorry to be lame and depressing today.

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