Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Can I call in sick to a doctor's appointment?

Today's been a bad day.

I woke up horribly dizzy and disoriented with a throbbing pain in my head.I've been trying not to take the pain pills they gave me because they make me even more dizzy, but damn, I didn't have a choice. I made a toaster waffle (being able to pull a hot waffle out of the toaster and not feel the heat at all IS a cool feature) and took the pills.

And then my dad shows up.

I'm grateful he's checking on me, and know that he's really concerned. However, it makes me feel even worse to have him so worried about me, and to see the disappointment on his face when he realizes that I'm not getting any better. I'm TRYING. I'm doing everything I can but it's my fucking brain that's not healing. I can't DO anything but wait, and his constant hounding me for more answers ("What did the doctor say? What's the worst case scenario here? Did she talk about laser surgery? Your mom had laser surgery you know.) is making me stressed out and cranky.

After he left, I was feeling the effects of the pain pills, so I went to bed and fell asleep. An hour later he calls me and wakes me up to ask why the spinal tap results are taking so long to come back. Because a distant relative I don't even know is asking him and is "concerned".

This isn't Grey's Anatomy. Diseases aren't diagnosed and healed within 48 minutes, and my neurologist sure doesn't look like McDreamy. Tests take time to come back, that's the way it works. And even when the results come back, it may not be a diagnosis. If it's not MS, it's something else, but the only way to rule that out is through additional tests.

My vision is improving slightly. If I tip my head and concentrate really hard, I can get my vision to come together for a few seconds. It's progress, and it's more than I could do a week ago, so I'm thinking it counts as improvement. Or I'm just becoming used to my new condition. I've mainly just been closing one eye and looking through the other.

My right hand really concerns me. I can't control it like I used to. Big movements aren't a problem, but anything that requires precision, I can't do. When I right, you might has well put a crayon in my hand and call me a three year old. Typing is hard; I can't bend my fingers quickly, so I'm sort of straight-finger-punching the keys. I'm a writer and this REALLY concerns me. I may have to relearn how to write... I'm 32.

I have a GP doctor's appointment tomorrow, and I really don't want to go. It's my first time with this doctor, and she's not seeing me for any of the neurological things, so I'm going to hobble into her office with one eye shut, using a walker, half dizzy and disoriented, and.... and what? I don't want to go, but it's too late to reschedule now, so I guess I'm stuck.


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